Late fall or possible Christmas vacation 1980-I think
I really am not sure exactly when this happened I could have been a sophomore or a junior but as I recall it happened over Christmas vacation of 1980. But there are two things that did happen over Christmas vacation of 1980 that makes me think it was maybe even the year before or year after. What did happen is I went to Canada for a Church Youth Group right after Christmas and upon returning I was told by my foster dad that my Grandmother had passed away (real mom's mom) and I had to tell my sister the news. So to get to the story.
Dad was having basketball practice with his girls' team at my highschool gym -he was teaching at a Christian school at the time. Two of his students (sisters) were friends of mine because we had gone to another Christian school together previously. Anyway I went with dad and so did my little brother (foster). My brother and I were very close even though he was almost 5 years younger than me. I was a late bloomer when it came to women's things and he and I always played boys together. Well we were also pretty competitive at sports. At this time he still wasn't to my level but then he shouldn't have been due to the age difference but he was close to as tall as me. I out-weighed him by 30 lbs though. I never ever was easy on him and made him work for every score whether it was b-ball or soccer or wiffle ball. In the end I think this helped him a lot because he knew when he finally did win that I didn't give it to him. That is just my philosophy. Well I was going in for a lay-up and my brother tried to block me and he got knocked down. Dad was furious with me and yelled at me in front of everyone. After practice was over my brother went to a friend's house or something and I was in the car with dad going home. We got about three blocks from the school and dad backhanded me and told me he should just let me walk home. I said fine I will. He stopped the car and told me to get out so I did.
Well it was probably 15 miles to get home from where I was and it was around 5 in the afternoon. I had to walk by a cemetary (it was dark this time of year early) and I walked the country (less traffic) way because there was no foot traffic space on the main bridge that crossed a major river in our area. Well I think I got home right around 8 or 8:30 and the first thing I hear is that I need to call my social worker and tell her I am home. They told me they had called her about 20 minutes before and told her I wasn't home yet. They didn't seem to tell her the story that Dad had told me to walk home. If they had she probably would have realized that it was no surprise I hadn't arrived home - they essentially reported that I ran away.
I don't know why I wrote about this but I guess it was just the nastiness and the problem they seemed to have with being truthful. I guess they might have been in trouble if the truth was found out and something bad had happened to me so they were trying to cover their asses. Well God was watching out for me that night like He has on so many other nights and I arrived home safe. Writing this in some ways has made me more angry because I seemed focused on the unexcusable behavior of the adults who were supposed to be showing me love and compassion and affection and all I got was what a rotten kid I was and a braggart and grumbled all the time. I really feel these 10 years shaped my life so drastically and has made me a very bitter person with still a lot of anger - it is these stories that have shaped my personality I believe.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Lunch w/Mom
1st Semester (10th grade) Late 1980, early 1981
My first two hours of school as a sophomore for the first two quarters of the year I was in a career class where I was allowed to work a job and get paid minimum wage and at the same time get credit for the class. I worked at Elrod Elementary as a teacher's aide but ultimately I had wanted to be a Physical Education teacher. So one day I was allowed to go to another local elementary school and work with the PE teacher there. I think she was gay looking back but aren't they all? :)
So that morning my mom says that she wants to swing by the school and take me to lunch that day. I was psyched that mom would actually drive into town to take me to lunch. So mom comes by around 11:00 or 11:30 and I get in the car looking forward to lunch. She pulls up outside our dentist's office and I don't know of any eating places nearby but figure we will walk there. Instead we walk into the building where our dentist's office is and walk up to the 2nd floor and at the top of the stairs - instead of turning right down the hall we stop!
Right at the top of the stairs - angled as I remember - is a psychologist's office. RP-Psychologist (use of initials to remain slightly anonymous). Inside is a woman that looks 80 and I am told that we are there so I can be evaluated. We all sat down and did the 55 minute thing. Mom told me that it had all been decided before and that the state was paying for it. My social worker was in on it as well I guess. It was obvious to me from the very first meeting that RP had already made up her mind and my parents had already told her everything that was wrong with me so I wasn't inclined to cooperate. I was scheduled to go back every Wednesday after school.
So the 2nd time I went I was by myself and we talked a little and then I think the 3rd time she gave me some tests - I remember one was the cards with black ink spots that I had to say what it looked like. Somewhere deep inside I wanted to give really outrageous sick answers but I was scared of my future so gave very simple answers.
After that we rarely spoke, I would show up and might say hi and sometimes not. She might say hi -then I would spend 55 minutes looking at the pattern on her tile floor while she worked with her back practically towards me -and then I would leave - sometimes I said bye sometimes I didn't.
One Wednesday probably in April or May I forgot and I got on the bus to go home. While driving through town I remembered or one of my sisters reminded me or something. Well in a panic I went up to our bus driver, Ed and told him I had an appointment and I didn't even mince words concerning how important it was. Ed knew us very well because we were the last ones off the bus. Ed stopped the bus and let me off and I ran all the way to RP's office. I told Dad about it - he would pick me up at the library every Wednesday - and he yelled at me about how stupid I was. I wasn't even late but wasn't surprised by his reaction. Of course if I hadn't of told him one of my sisters would have and then I probably would have received a spanking for lying or at least not telling them what happened.
I bolded this and left it in black because I still get angry at this incident. My mom out right lied to me - that is the point - lied and never apoligized never gave an excuse, never even mentioned that I didn't get lunch that day. Just didn't even care what message they were giving me.
They missed a real opportunity here to help me by who they chose, how they sprung it on me and in the collaboration of it all. There was so much to tell but it didn't come out until I was on my own and didn't have to worry about being put in some insane asylum.
My first two hours of school as a sophomore for the first two quarters of the year I was in a career class where I was allowed to work a job and get paid minimum wage and at the same time get credit for the class. I worked at Elrod Elementary as a teacher's aide but ultimately I had wanted to be a Physical Education teacher. So one day I was allowed to go to another local elementary school and work with the PE teacher there. I think she was gay looking back but aren't they all? :)
So that morning my mom says that she wants to swing by the school and take me to lunch that day. I was psyched that mom would actually drive into town to take me to lunch. So mom comes by around 11:00 or 11:30 and I get in the car looking forward to lunch. She pulls up outside our dentist's office and I don't know of any eating places nearby but figure we will walk there. Instead we walk into the building where our dentist's office is and walk up to the 2nd floor and at the top of the stairs - instead of turning right down the hall we stop!
Right at the top of the stairs - angled as I remember - is a psychologist's office. RP-Psychologist (use of initials to remain slightly anonymous). Inside is a woman that looks 80 and I am told that we are there so I can be evaluated. We all sat down and did the 55 minute thing. Mom told me that it had all been decided before and that the state was paying for it. My social worker was in on it as well I guess. It was obvious to me from the very first meeting that RP had already made up her mind and my parents had already told her everything that was wrong with me so I wasn't inclined to cooperate. I was scheduled to go back every Wednesday after school.
So the 2nd time I went I was by myself and we talked a little and then I think the 3rd time she gave me some tests - I remember one was the cards with black ink spots that I had to say what it looked like. Somewhere deep inside I wanted to give really outrageous sick answers but I was scared of my future so gave very simple answers.
After that we rarely spoke, I would show up and might say hi and sometimes not. She might say hi -then I would spend 55 minutes looking at the pattern on her tile floor while she worked with her back practically towards me -and then I would leave - sometimes I said bye sometimes I didn't.
One Wednesday probably in April or May I forgot and I got on the bus to go home. While driving through town I remembered or one of my sisters reminded me or something. Well in a panic I went up to our bus driver, Ed and told him I had an appointment and I didn't even mince words concerning how important it was. Ed knew us very well because we were the last ones off the bus. Ed stopped the bus and let me off and I ran all the way to RP's office. I told Dad about it - he would pick me up at the library every Wednesday - and he yelled at me about how stupid I was. I wasn't even late but wasn't surprised by his reaction. Of course if I hadn't of told him one of my sisters would have and then I probably would have received a spanking for lying or at least not telling them what happened.
I bolded this and left it in black because I still get angry at this incident. My mom out right lied to me - that is the point - lied and never apoligized never gave an excuse, never even mentioned that I didn't get lunch that day. Just didn't even care what message they were giving me.
They missed a real opportunity here to help me by who they chose, how they sprung it on me and in the collaboration of it all. There was so much to tell but it didn't come out until I was on my own and didn't have to worry about being put in some insane asylum.
Friday, June 19, 2009
The Blue Towel
Early Summer 1981
My sister was going to work for another foster family for the summer- babysitting all of their foster kids and I was working YCC. I had been using the same blue towel since arriving at my new home in May of 1971. Originally all three of us girls used the same blue towel and often times it was soaked by the time the last one us took a shower so it didn't do much good. We all took showers within minutes of each other and sometimes we were timed. We were not allowed to wash our hair in the shower and actually only allowed to wash it once a week which was Saturday so it would look good for church on Sunday.
Their daughter who was four months younger than me had her own towel of course she had her own bedroom as well while me and my two older sisters shared the same room just like we shared the same towel for four years. I believe it was the summer of 1975 when my oldest sister finally was given a different towel - a yellow towel to be precise. So for four years we all used the blue towel and all the while they had many towels not being used by anyone.
Well it was the autumn of 1977 when my oldest sister actually left home to attend a private Christian school for her last two years so my other sister (the middle one) inherited the yellow towel. I had to continue to use the blue towel and trust me when I say "it was wearing a little thin".
So here it was the beginning of summer of 1981 and I guess Mom didn't want the other foster home to see what they were providing us so my sister got a new towel to take with her for her summer job and finally I guess realizing that holes didn't do much for drying off a body they relented their hold on the blue towel and it "became a rag" and I was given the yellow towel which had been used by my two sisters (one for two years and the other one used it for four years.
For 10 years plus I used the same blue towel and yes it irks me to this day that I was forced into such depravity when these people had more to give. I know many people have less but the point of this story and all these stories is not for pity but for understanding. Why would you treat foster children so different from your own. Why become foster parents just to belittle and degrade and to act hostile toward them. Did they think we were idiots and wouldn't observe this. We argued with them all the time trying to be treated even semi equally. Never once did I ever think I was less than they were even though I feel that at the time they thought they were superior. Times have definitely changed and I must say that I am angry writing this post because it seems so minute - not my feelings but the little things they did to try to make us feel less than!!
My sister was going to work for another foster family for the summer- babysitting all of their foster kids and I was working YCC. I had been using the same blue towel since arriving at my new home in May of 1971. Originally all three of us girls used the same blue towel and often times it was soaked by the time the last one us took a shower so it didn't do much good. We all took showers within minutes of each other and sometimes we were timed. We were not allowed to wash our hair in the shower and actually only allowed to wash it once a week which was Saturday so it would look good for church on Sunday.
Their daughter who was four months younger than me had her own towel of course she had her own bedroom as well while me and my two older sisters shared the same room just like we shared the same towel for four years. I believe it was the summer of 1975 when my oldest sister finally was given a different towel - a yellow towel to be precise. So for four years we all used the blue towel and all the while they had many towels not being used by anyone.
Well it was the autumn of 1977 when my oldest sister actually left home to attend a private Christian school for her last two years so my other sister (the middle one) inherited the yellow towel. I had to continue to use the blue towel and trust me when I say "it was wearing a little thin".
So here it was the beginning of summer of 1981 and I guess Mom didn't want the other foster home to see what they were providing us so my sister got a new towel to take with her for her summer job and finally I guess realizing that holes didn't do much for drying off a body they relented their hold on the blue towel and it "became a rag" and I was given the yellow towel which had been used by my two sisters (one for two years and the other one used it for four years.
For 10 years plus I used the same blue towel and yes it irks me to this day that I was forced into such depravity when these people had more to give. I know many people have less but the point of this story and all these stories is not for pity but for understanding. Why would you treat foster children so different from your own. Why become foster parents just to belittle and degrade and to act hostile toward them. Did they think we were idiots and wouldn't observe this. We argued with them all the time trying to be treated even semi equally. Never once did I ever think I was less than they were even though I feel that at the time they thought they were superior. Times have definitely changed and I must say that I am angry writing this post because it seems so minute - not my feelings but the little things they did to try to make us feel less than!!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Hell or Hypocrites
Thursday, July 16, 1981
Reunion was to begin the next day but I had to work so I wouldn't be going out until Friday evening. Usually everyone showed up around noon on Friday and left around the same time on Sunday. The relatives from Canada, OR, ID, KS and wherever else they may hail from usually stayed for Sunday evening service but some chose to hit the road. This also happens to be my brother-in-law's birthday.
I was in the kitchen after getting off of work and I think I was helping Mom make a salad for dinner. One of the Uncles was there (6 Uncles on this side of my foster dad's family-dad being the youngest living boy because the 8th son and youngest child of 15 died in a drowning accident when he was 18) anyway back to the Uncle. Mom and Dad were arguing with me about some transgression I had committed and I was defending myself per usual because generally what I was accused of I hadn't done. Anyway I remember my Uncle butting in and saying that I was going to go to hell for talking to my parents that way. My response: I'd rather spend eternity in hell then in heaven with all you hypocrites. The parents jumped on that and they all were absolutely flabbergasted that I said it but at that moment in time I meant it as much as a person can. Honestly who really wants to spend eternity in hell.
So Friday I head out to reunion after work and start doing the reunion thing, hanging with the cousins your age and taking turns with my little brothers keeping an eye on them. Swimming in the lake and playing softball. I always enjoyed reunions even though we only had them every other year.
Well my cousin (not blood of course) was there and the winter before she had given her life to Christ and that is all she could talk about. It was really actually quite exciting because I could definitely see a change in her. I had a serious crush on her but she was straight of course and we were only 16 and I had no idea what to do with it anyway. I didn't know what the word was for a lesbian and I really didn't know there were others out there. We stayed up all Saturday night talking and she was really trying to get me to give my life to Christ. I wanted to but at the same time I didn't want to give in to the "hypocrisy" of it all. I had a lot of anger but around 5 am we prayed together and I gave my life to Christ. I remember feeling very euphoric most of the day (except the two times I cussed, once using God's name in vain) that evening at church I was feeling very unworthy but she talked to me and told me we all make mistakes that is why Christ died for us on the cross. I knew the story and forgave myself and asked Christ's forgiveness and I felt much better.
Monday July 20 1981
I went to work that morning and one of my bosses noticed a change in me. She mentioned it and then everyone agreed I seemed different. I told them that I had been saved over the weekend and it got very quiet. This was a rough bunch of kids most of us poor and were working Youth Conservation Corps (YCC). Me and another girl used to cuss back and forth to see who could come up with the most outrageous words but it stopped that day and we still had a lot of fun. The three bosses were pot smokers and at the end of the year they threw a party with "party brownies" of course my parents didn't allow me to go but I wasn't really upset about it because I knew I was on a different path and I didn't need the temptation. I had never smoked, used drugs or drank and I really didn't have a desire to - that only came later!
Reunion was to begin the next day but I had to work so I wouldn't be going out until Friday evening. Usually everyone showed up around noon on Friday and left around the same time on Sunday. The relatives from Canada, OR, ID, KS and wherever else they may hail from usually stayed for Sunday evening service but some chose to hit the road. This also happens to be my brother-in-law's birthday.
I was in the kitchen after getting off of work and I think I was helping Mom make a salad for dinner. One of the Uncles was there (6 Uncles on this side of my foster dad's family-dad being the youngest living boy because the 8th son and youngest child of 15 died in a drowning accident when he was 18) anyway back to the Uncle. Mom and Dad were arguing with me about some transgression I had committed and I was defending myself per usual because generally what I was accused of I hadn't done. Anyway I remember my Uncle butting in and saying that I was going to go to hell for talking to my parents that way. My response: I'd rather spend eternity in hell then in heaven with all you hypocrites. The parents jumped on that and they all were absolutely flabbergasted that I said it but at that moment in time I meant it as much as a person can. Honestly who really wants to spend eternity in hell.
So Friday I head out to reunion after work and start doing the reunion thing, hanging with the cousins your age and taking turns with my little brothers keeping an eye on them. Swimming in the lake and playing softball. I always enjoyed reunions even though we only had them every other year.
Well my cousin (not blood of course) was there and the winter before she had given her life to Christ and that is all she could talk about. It was really actually quite exciting because I could definitely see a change in her. I had a serious crush on her but she was straight of course and we were only 16 and I had no idea what to do with it anyway. I didn't know what the word was for a lesbian and I really didn't know there were others out there. We stayed up all Saturday night talking and she was really trying to get me to give my life to Christ. I wanted to but at the same time I didn't want to give in to the "hypocrisy" of it all. I had a lot of anger but around 5 am we prayed together and I gave my life to Christ. I remember feeling very euphoric most of the day (except the two times I cussed, once using God's name in vain) that evening at church I was feeling very unworthy but she talked to me and told me we all make mistakes that is why Christ died for us on the cross. I knew the story and forgave myself and asked Christ's forgiveness and I felt much better.
Monday July 20 1981
I went to work that morning and one of my bosses noticed a change in me. She mentioned it and then everyone agreed I seemed different. I told them that I had been saved over the weekend and it got very quiet. This was a rough bunch of kids most of us poor and were working Youth Conservation Corps (YCC). Me and another girl used to cuss back and forth to see who could come up with the most outrageous words but it stopped that day and we still had a lot of fun. The three bosses were pot smokers and at the end of the year they threw a party with "party brownies" of course my parents didn't allow me to go but I wasn't really upset about it because I knew I was on a different path and I didn't need the temptation. I had never smoked, used drugs or drank and I really didn't have a desire to - that only came later!
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Cussing
Late November early December 1981 - Sunday Dinner
Usually we ate three squares a day, breakfast, lunch and supper but on Sundays we had breakfast, which was always cocoa-wheats, dinner, which was a feast after attending Sunday school and morning service and then we took naps and then we had popcorn for supper.
So we were sitting at the dinner table, I always sat next to Dad who was at one end of the table, being left-handed I guess this was the ideal place to seat me. My sister was to my right on the bench and for some reason she was telling lies about me. She did this fairly regularly because it put her in "good" with the parents. I understood because they could be so very cruel to her. She was/is a little mentally slow and they didn't tolerate that too well.
Unbeknownst to my parents I had been swearing for 4 years already. I started as a 7th grader while attending a private Christian school. My first cuss word I began saying was, "God". Yes I was taking the Lord's name in vain and yes I am aware that that is one of the Ten Commandments. Earlier that summer I had given my life to Christ and crazy as it may seem I only used God's name in vain one more time and that was the same day I gave my life to him. I know it was only possible to quit through him. However I did continue to cuss and on this particular day my sister pushed me too far and I lost control of my wherewithall and what words come out of my mouth, "You fucking Bi..." and I caught myself before the "TCH" was out but not before my parents had heard it and "whack" my Dad literally backhanded me so hard it knocked me off the bench and on my ass. Dad was quite athletic still at 50+ and he got up and grabbed me from behind. I elbowed him to get him off me, this was the first and only time I fought back. I got up to my feet and then my Dad tossed me across the room and I stopped next to the sewing table that was set up in the kitchen area. I said something with the word "damn" in it and I walked out of the house.
I walked up and down the ridges and hills on our property for three hours or so and when I came back in Mom told me to go get ready for church (yes we went to evening services as well) so I went and changed clothes and the incident was never spoken of again.
Just to give you a little data on the whole cussing thing. When we first arrived in 1971 we discovered that the word, "pinky" was forbidden we could only call it our little finger. The following list is of by-words which we were also not allowed to say because they were short for God, Jesus or Damn I guess, Gees, Gee-whiz, Gosh, Golly, Darn, Dang and shoot (shit) Mostly our exasperations were Oh boy or Oh man. Extreme it may seem but this is my favorite - for #1 we said "wee-wee" and for #2 we said "grunt".
I can only believe that this is the incident that sent me packing!
Usually we ate three squares a day, breakfast, lunch and supper but on Sundays we had breakfast, which was always cocoa-wheats, dinner, which was a feast after attending Sunday school and morning service and then we took naps and then we had popcorn for supper.
So we were sitting at the dinner table, I always sat next to Dad who was at one end of the table, being left-handed I guess this was the ideal place to seat me. My sister was to my right on the bench and for some reason she was telling lies about me. She did this fairly regularly because it put her in "good" with the parents. I understood because they could be so very cruel to her. She was/is a little mentally slow and they didn't tolerate that too well.
Unbeknownst to my parents I had been swearing for 4 years already. I started as a 7th grader while attending a private Christian school. My first cuss word I began saying was, "God". Yes I was taking the Lord's name in vain and yes I am aware that that is one of the Ten Commandments. Earlier that summer I had given my life to Christ and crazy as it may seem I only used God's name in vain one more time and that was the same day I gave my life to him. I know it was only possible to quit through him. However I did continue to cuss and on this particular day my sister pushed me too far and I lost control of my wherewithall and what words come out of my mouth, "You fucking Bi..." and I caught myself before the "TCH" was out but not before my parents had heard it and "whack" my Dad literally backhanded me so hard it knocked me off the bench and on my ass. Dad was quite athletic still at 50+ and he got up and grabbed me from behind. I elbowed him to get him off me, this was the first and only time I fought back. I got up to my feet and then my Dad tossed me across the room and I stopped next to the sewing table that was set up in the kitchen area. I said something with the word "damn" in it and I walked out of the house.
I walked up and down the ridges and hills on our property for three hours or so and when I came back in Mom told me to go get ready for church (yes we went to evening services as well) so I went and changed clothes and the incident was never spoken of again.
Just to give you a little data on the whole cussing thing. When we first arrived in 1971 we discovered that the word, "pinky" was forbidden we could only call it our little finger. The following list is of by-words which we were also not allowed to say because they were short for God, Jesus or Damn I guess, Gees, Gee-whiz, Gosh, Golly, Darn, Dang and shoot (shit) Mostly our exasperations were Oh boy or Oh man. Extreme it may seem but this is my favorite - for #1 we said "wee-wee" and for #2 we said "grunt".
I can only believe that this is the incident that sent me packing!
Monday, June 01, 2009
Merry Christmas and Good Riddance
Monday, December 28, 1981
I remember walking into the kitchen toward the dining room and Mom told me to Call Ann and tell her that I am ready to go. Ann was my case worker. I had been in foster care since I was 6 1/2 and I had turned 17 the month before. For 10 1/2 years this was my family. Mom, Dad, their two children who still lived at home even though there son was 23 or so. Three younger foster brothers and my 1/2 sister who at the time I had still believed to be my full-blooded sister.
I asked Mom where was I going and she said that I was going to another foster home so I needed to pack my things. I was stunned to say the least - I had no idea I was being kicked out. Yeah there had been an incident a month or so prior where I fought back physically for the first time. Overall though I thought things were okay.
I called Ann and of course she already knew the situation and they already had another home for me. That is how my foster parents did things. Just sprung it on you. Lied if they had to, Mom was the "Mother Teresa" of the neighborhood you might say but for those of us who actually lived there we knew different - she was more like the old lady in the "Wizard of Oz" on the bicycle. I don't want to quite say the "Wicked Witch of the West" because she is still my Mom in my heart and I do love her. Now we have a good relationship but I have not healed from the pain and after 30 years I need to write it down - I have tried prayer, giving it to God, therapy, ignoring it, but I have to tell my story in hopes that I can heal and become a better person - the person that I can be proud of - happy, kind, giving, accepting, loving and forgiving.
It took me less than an hour to pack. 10 years of my life essentially fit into a small box. I had two pair of shoes, church shoes and cheap ass k-mart sneakers I had a pair of "waffle stompers" that I had bought the summer before for $30 from my S-I-L and my clothes. I don't remember if I was allowed to take the hangers or not but I had some dresses but I never wore another one from that day forward to school. I was tired of wearing dresses every day and refused to wear one to school. I owned a couple pair of pants and bought a couple more once I got to my new home. I bought a pair of cowboy boots and literally wore them everyday to school.
This is the story of my childhood and I am starting from the end and moving backward. Some of you that know me may not want to read this but I will be completely honest with my story. This is how I remember it and I have a pretty good memory. Why would I want to lie if I am trying to heal? I wouldn't so I hope that whoever comes across this understands that this is a new way of me trying to Chase Away the Demons!
I remember walking into the kitchen toward the dining room and Mom told me to Call Ann and tell her that I am ready to go. Ann was my case worker. I had been in foster care since I was 6 1/2 and I had turned 17 the month before. For 10 1/2 years this was my family. Mom, Dad, their two children who still lived at home even though there son was 23 or so. Three younger foster brothers and my 1/2 sister who at the time I had still believed to be my full-blooded sister.
I asked Mom where was I going and she said that I was going to another foster home so I needed to pack my things. I was stunned to say the least - I had no idea I was being kicked out. Yeah there had been an incident a month or so prior where I fought back physically for the first time. Overall though I thought things were okay.
I called Ann and of course she already knew the situation and they already had another home for me. That is how my foster parents did things. Just sprung it on you. Lied if they had to, Mom was the "Mother Teresa" of the neighborhood you might say but for those of us who actually lived there we knew different - she was more like the old lady in the "Wizard of Oz" on the bicycle. I don't want to quite say the "Wicked Witch of the West" because she is still my Mom in my heart and I do love her. Now we have a good relationship but I have not healed from the pain and after 30 years I need to write it down - I have tried prayer, giving it to God, therapy, ignoring it, but I have to tell my story in hopes that I can heal and become a better person - the person that I can be proud of - happy, kind, giving, accepting, loving and forgiving.
It took me less than an hour to pack. 10 years of my life essentially fit into a small box. I had two pair of shoes, church shoes and cheap ass k-mart sneakers I had a pair of "waffle stompers" that I had bought the summer before for $30 from my S-I-L and my clothes. I don't remember if I was allowed to take the hangers or not but I had some dresses but I never wore another one from that day forward to school. I was tired of wearing dresses every day and refused to wear one to school. I owned a couple pair of pants and bought a couple more once I got to my new home. I bought a pair of cowboy boots and literally wore them everyday to school.
This is the story of my childhood and I am starting from the end and moving backward. Some of you that know me may not want to read this but I will be completely honest with my story. This is how I remember it and I have a pretty good memory. Why would I want to lie if I am trying to heal? I wouldn't so I hope that whoever comes across this understands that this is a new way of me trying to Chase Away the Demons!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
100 Most Beautiful Words
1 adroit Dexterous, agile.
2 adumbrate To very gently suggest.
3 aestivate To summer, to spend the summer.
4 ailurophile A cat-lover.
5 beatific Befitting an angel or saint.
6 beleaguer To exhaust with attacks.
7 blandiloquent Beautiful and flattering.
8 caliginous Dark and misty.
9 champagne An effervescent wine.
10 chatoyant Like a cat’s eye.
11 chiaroscuro The arrangement of dark and light elements in a picture.
12 cockle A heart-shaped bivalve or a garden flower.
13 colporteur A book peddler.
14 conflate To blend together, to combine different things.
15 cynosure A focal point of admiration.
16 desuetude Disuse.
17 diaphanous Filmy.
18 diffuse Spread out, not focused or concentrated.
19 dulcet Sweet, sugary.
20 ebullient Bubbling with enthusiasm.
21 effervescent Bubbly.
22 efflorescence Flowering, the opening of buds or a bloom.
23 elixir A good potion.
24 emollient A softener.
25 encomium A spoken or written work in praise of someone.
26 ephemeral Short-lived.
27 epicure A person who enjoys fine living, especially food and drink.
28 epiphany A sudden revelation.
29 erstwhile At one time, for a time.
30 eschew To reject or avoid.
31 esculent Edible.
32 esoteric Understood only by a small group of specialists.
33 ethereal Gaseous, invisible but detectable.
34 etiolate White from no contact with light.
35 evanescent Vanishing quickly, lasting a very short time.
36 exuberant Enthusiastic, excited.
37 felicitous Pleasing.
38 fescue A variety of grass favored for pastures.
39 foudroyant Dazzling.
40 fragile Very, very delicate.
41 fugacioius Running, escaping.
42 gambol To skip or leap about joyfully.
43 glamour Beauty.
44 gossamer The finest piece of thread, a spider’s silk.
45 halcyon Happy, sunny, care-free.
46 hymeneal Having to do with a wedding.
47 imbricate To overlap to form a regular pattern.
48 imbroglio An altercation or complicated situation.
49 imbue To infuse, instill.
50 incipient Beginning, in an early stage.
51 ingenue A naive young woman.
52 inglenook The place beside the fireplace.
53 inspissate To thicken.
54 inure To jade.
55 jejune Dull; childish.
56 lagniappe A gift given to a customer for their patronage.
57 lagoon A small gulf or inlet in the sea.
58 languor Listlessness, inactivity.
59 lassitude Weariness, listlessness.
60 laughter The response to something funny.
61 lilt To move musically or lively, to have a lively sound.
62 lithe Slender and flexible.
63 loquacious Talkative.
64 luxuriant Thick, lavish.
65 mellifluous Sweet-sounding.
66 missive A message or letter.
67 moiety One of two equal parts, a half.
68 mondegreen A misanalyzed phrase.
69 nebulous Foggy.
70 niveous Snowy, snow-like.
71 obsequious Fawning, subservience.
72 odalisque A concubine in a harem.
73 oeuvre A work.
74 offing That part of the sea between the horizon and the offshore.
75 onomatopoeia The creation of words by imitating sound.
76 paean A formal expression of praise.
77 palimpsest A manuscript written over one or more earlier ones.
78 panacea A complete solution for all problems.
79 panoply A complete set.
80 pastiche A mixture of art work (art or music) from various sources.
81 peccadillo A peculiarity.
82 pelagic Related to the sea or ocean.
83 penumbra A half-shadow, the edge of a shadow.
84 peregrination Wandering, travels.
85 petrichor The smell of earth after a rain.
86 plethora A great excess, overabundance.
87 porcelain A fine white clay pottery.
88 potamophilous Loving rivers.
89 propinquity An inclination or preference.
90 Pyrrhic Victorious despite heavy losses.
91 quintessential The ultimate, the essence of the essence.
92 redolent Sweet-smelling.
93 rhapsody A beautiful musical piece.
94 riparian Having to do with the bank of a river or other body of water.
95 ripple A small, circular wave emanating from a central point.
96 scintillate To sparkle with brilliant light.
97 sempiternal Forever and ever.
98 seraglio Housing for a harem.
99 serendipity Finding something while looking for something else.
100 surreptitious Sneaky.
2 adumbrate To very gently suggest.
3 aestivate To summer, to spend the summer.
4 ailurophile A cat-lover.
5 beatific Befitting an angel or saint.
6 beleaguer To exhaust with attacks.
7 blandiloquent Beautiful and flattering.
8 caliginous Dark and misty.
9 champagne An effervescent wine.
10 chatoyant Like a cat’s eye.
11 chiaroscuro The arrangement of dark and light elements in a picture.
12 cockle A heart-shaped bivalve or a garden flower.
13 colporteur A book peddler.
14 conflate To blend together, to combine different things.
15 cynosure A focal point of admiration.
16 desuetude Disuse.
17 diaphanous Filmy.
18 diffuse Spread out, not focused or concentrated.
19 dulcet Sweet, sugary.
20 ebullient Bubbling with enthusiasm.
21 effervescent Bubbly.
22 efflorescence Flowering, the opening of buds or a bloom.
23 elixir A good potion.
24 emollient A softener.
25 encomium A spoken or written work in praise of someone.
26 ephemeral Short-lived.
27 epicure A person who enjoys fine living, especially food and drink.
28 epiphany A sudden revelation.
29 erstwhile At one time, for a time.
30 eschew To reject or avoid.
31 esculent Edible.
32 esoteric Understood only by a small group of specialists.
33 ethereal Gaseous, invisible but detectable.
34 etiolate White from no contact with light.
35 evanescent Vanishing quickly, lasting a very short time.
36 exuberant Enthusiastic, excited.
37 felicitous Pleasing.
38 fescue A variety of grass favored for pastures.
39 foudroyant Dazzling.
40 fragile Very, very delicate.
41 fugacioius Running, escaping.
42 gambol To skip or leap about joyfully.
43 glamour Beauty.
44 gossamer The finest piece of thread, a spider’s silk.
45 halcyon Happy, sunny, care-free.
46 hymeneal Having to do with a wedding.
47 imbricate To overlap to form a regular pattern.
48 imbroglio An altercation or complicated situation.
49 imbue To infuse, instill.
50 incipient Beginning, in an early stage.
51 ingenue A naive young woman.
52 inglenook The place beside the fireplace.
53 inspissate To thicken.
54 inure To jade.
55 jejune Dull; childish.
56 lagniappe A gift given to a customer for their patronage.
57 lagoon A small gulf or inlet in the sea.
58 languor Listlessness, inactivity.
59 lassitude Weariness, listlessness.
60 laughter The response to something funny.
61 lilt To move musically or lively, to have a lively sound.
62 lithe Slender and flexible.
63 loquacious Talkative.
64 luxuriant Thick, lavish.
65 mellifluous Sweet-sounding.
66 missive A message or letter.
67 moiety One of two equal parts, a half.
68 mondegreen A misanalyzed phrase.
69 nebulous Foggy.
70 niveous Snowy, snow-like.
71 obsequious Fawning, subservience.
72 odalisque A concubine in a harem.
73 oeuvre A work.
74 offing That part of the sea between the horizon and the offshore.
75 onomatopoeia The creation of words by imitating sound.
76 paean A formal expression of praise.
77 palimpsest A manuscript written over one or more earlier ones.
78 panacea A complete solution for all problems.
79 panoply A complete set.
80 pastiche A mixture of art work (art or music) from various sources.
81 peccadillo A peculiarity.
82 pelagic Related to the sea or ocean.
83 penumbra A half-shadow, the edge of a shadow.
84 peregrination Wandering, travels.
85 petrichor The smell of earth after a rain.
86 plethora A great excess, overabundance.
87 porcelain A fine white clay pottery.
88 potamophilous Loving rivers.
89 propinquity An inclination or preference.
90 Pyrrhic Victorious despite heavy losses.
91 quintessential The ultimate, the essence of the essence.
92 redolent Sweet-smelling.
93 rhapsody A beautiful musical piece.
94 riparian Having to do with the bank of a river or other body of water.
95 ripple A small, circular wave emanating from a central point.
96 scintillate To sparkle with brilliant light.
97 sempiternal Forever and ever.
98 seraglio Housing for a harem.
99 serendipity Finding something while looking for something else.
100 surreptitious Sneaky.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
An Ode to 2008
It has been a tough year many will say
The economy, wars on two fronts, still today
But we continue on, come what may
I have much to be thankful for, so I pray
A prayer for all of us to succeed
Let's not ask for more than we need
May the powerful show a little less greed
Love for each other should be our creed
I thank God for family and friends
Their love and support never ends
Following this road as it winds and wends
This coming year I want to buck the trends
My resolution this year is a simple one
To be a better person when it is done
To live life fully and have some fun
And to serve God's only Son!
The economy, wars on two fronts, still today
But we continue on, come what may
I have much to be thankful for, so I pray
A prayer for all of us to succeed
Let's not ask for more than we need
May the powerful show a little less greed
Love for each other should be our creed
I thank God for family and friends
Their love and support never ends
Following this road as it winds and wends
This coming year I want to buck the trends
My resolution this year is a simple one
To be a better person when it is done
To live life fully and have some fun
And to serve God's only Son!
Friday, December 05, 2008
ROTFL
I don't know which one I liked more - Ellen had me Rolling - laughing that stupid laugh I do only when I am alone and well the Prop 8 one - funny clever and a lot truth right there.
See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
A Weekend To Remember -Part II
We are sitting on the couch are legs intertwined - I take a drag from my cigarette and watch the smoke ascend toward the ceiling. Laura finishes her drink and sets it down on the coffee table, she begins to crawl toward me, kissing and caressing my legs as she moves closer, my body tingles all over from her touch, I stub out my cigarette and pull her face to mine, we kiss passionately, are tongues perfectly fitting together our mouths meld as one, I can't believe that we fit so well together. She is sitting on my lap with her knees on either side of me, she begins to push into me rotating her hips at the same time. I cup her tits in my hands and bring my mouth to her nipples as I push her tits together, her nipples are hard, flush as I dance my tongue around one and then the other. She moans softly as she pushes harder against me as I raise one leg for her to grind on. I can feel her heat and her wetness against my thigh, I can smell her pussy and it pushes me over the edge.
I gently push her away from me as I get up and then I put her doggie style on the couch as I begin to take her from the back. I love the mustiness of her ass - it drives me crazy - slowly and gently I move my fingers inside her sweet pussy, I love to hear her moaning as she gently pushes toward me, wanting more but not too much. I can feel her muscles tightening, squeezing my fingers until I can't move them slowly she begins to come, I can feel her orgasm and then another one and then another and then she pulls away and lays exhausted on the couch.
I get up and go into the kitchen and pour us each another drink, come back into the living room, set down the drinks, flip on the TV with the remote and mute it and then light up a cigarette. I often like to sit in the dark and watch the flickering of the TV with the mute on and just imagine what is being said or watch the images of the next storm on the weather channel - life gets that boring for me sometimes. Laura it seems is dead to the world right now so I put a light throw over her body so she doesn't get cold. I am sitting on the couch playing back the last two hours in my head, sipping on my drink, dragging off my cig and I have a satisfied smile on my face. Tonight was better than I had ever imagined! I gently wake her and I lead her to the bedroom where we fall asleep in each other's arms.
Every Saturday I go down to "The Crossing" a sports bar that I hang out at with some friends. We shoot some pool, drink a few beers and just catch up with the gossip that is our lesbian lives. Today is no different. Laura and asked me what my plans for the day were before she left and I told her where I would be so I wasn't suprised when she showed up early evening to hang out. Laura puts her quarters on the table to challenge and most of us are betting for beers but she comes up and whispers in my ear, telling me what she wants if she wins. I say okay and I want just the reverse if I win - either way it promises to be fun for us and entertaining to all who are present.
After the game I tell everyone that I need the table for a bit longer. I grab Laura and lift her onto the table so she is sitting on the edge - we all know this is an unforgiveable transgression but no one objects. I starting kissing her, I slide my hand up her shirt and she likewise slides her hand up mine. I am immediately turned on by her touch. I lift her shirt up slowly and expose her flat, tight stomach, it is so soft and smooth, I kiss it and slowly lay her down onto the table. I unsnap her 501s and begin tracing her panty line with one hand while my other is caressing her breast. My lips linger on her stomach, kissing, trembling, parting as I move down her body. I can smell her beautiful snatch, she is hot and hungry for my tongue, I lift up her ass and slide her pants and panties down. I part her cunt lips with my fingers, slowly caressing her, getting her juices all over my fingers. Her clit is throbbing with desire but I make her wait, I suck on her lips and run my tongue around her hole and dart in and out. She grabs my hair and pulls me upward just a bit bringing my mouth and tongue to her hot pussy clit. I breathe through my mouth, moaning from the desire I have for her, her clit is hot and engorged and perfect for sucking and licking. She comes in my mouth and I continue to suck on her clit, she tries to pull away but I won't let her as she comes for me again and again.
We both are exhausted and it seems to hit us both that there is a roomful of women around us. I pull her up and then I pull her pants up. I kiss her gently as she does up her buttons. I put my arms around her as she leans against the pool table. Someone taps me on the shoulder, I turn around and there is a female police officer. She had come over to see what all the commotion was about. I tell her we just won a game that was played very well and are just having a celebratory kiss. She winks at me and walks away. That was close I better take care of my business in private next time.
THE END
I gently push her away from me as I get up and then I put her doggie style on the couch as I begin to take her from the back. I love the mustiness of her ass - it drives me crazy - slowly and gently I move my fingers inside her sweet pussy, I love to hear her moaning as she gently pushes toward me, wanting more but not too much. I can feel her muscles tightening, squeezing my fingers until I can't move them slowly she begins to come, I can feel her orgasm and then another one and then another and then she pulls away and lays exhausted on the couch.
I get up and go into the kitchen and pour us each another drink, come back into the living room, set down the drinks, flip on the TV with the remote and mute it and then light up a cigarette. I often like to sit in the dark and watch the flickering of the TV with the mute on and just imagine what is being said or watch the images of the next storm on the weather channel - life gets that boring for me sometimes. Laura it seems is dead to the world right now so I put a light throw over her body so she doesn't get cold. I am sitting on the couch playing back the last two hours in my head, sipping on my drink, dragging off my cig and I have a satisfied smile on my face. Tonight was better than I had ever imagined! I gently wake her and I lead her to the bedroom where we fall asleep in each other's arms.
Every Saturday I go down to "The Crossing" a sports bar that I hang out at with some friends. We shoot some pool, drink a few beers and just catch up with the gossip that is our lesbian lives. Today is no different. Laura and asked me what my plans for the day were before she left and I told her where I would be so I wasn't suprised when she showed up early evening to hang out. Laura puts her quarters on the table to challenge and most of us are betting for beers but she comes up and whispers in my ear, telling me what she wants if she wins. I say okay and I want just the reverse if I win - either way it promises to be fun for us and entertaining to all who are present.
After the game I tell everyone that I need the table for a bit longer. I grab Laura and lift her onto the table so she is sitting on the edge - we all know this is an unforgiveable transgression but no one objects. I starting kissing her, I slide my hand up her shirt and she likewise slides her hand up mine. I am immediately turned on by her touch. I lift her shirt up slowly and expose her flat, tight stomach, it is so soft and smooth, I kiss it and slowly lay her down onto the table. I unsnap her 501s and begin tracing her panty line with one hand while my other is caressing her breast. My lips linger on her stomach, kissing, trembling, parting as I move down her body. I can smell her beautiful snatch, she is hot and hungry for my tongue, I lift up her ass and slide her pants and panties down. I part her cunt lips with my fingers, slowly caressing her, getting her juices all over my fingers. Her clit is throbbing with desire but I make her wait, I suck on her lips and run my tongue around her hole and dart in and out. She grabs my hair and pulls me upward just a bit bringing my mouth and tongue to her hot pussy clit. I breathe through my mouth, moaning from the desire I have for her, her clit is hot and engorged and perfect for sucking and licking. She comes in my mouth and I continue to suck on her clit, she tries to pull away but I won't let her as she comes for me again and again.
We both are exhausted and it seems to hit us both that there is a roomful of women around us. I pull her up and then I pull her pants up. I kiss her gently as she does up her buttons. I put my arms around her as she leans against the pool table. Someone taps me on the shoulder, I turn around and there is a female police officer. She had come over to see what all the commotion was about. I tell her we just won a game that was played very well and are just having a celebratory kiss. She winks at me and walks away. That was close I better take care of my business in private next time.
THE END
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