REVEALING SECRETS

It was a good thing that I had made all the preparations for Sunday dinner before going to church because today it seemed that everyone wanted to say hi to me. I think this is just another way that God works in our lives. Before going to church this morning I was feeling isolated and alone and the Lord used the congregation to ensure that I didn't become a lost sheep with all my paranoia.

Sissy and Walter, husband number four, arrived 20 minutes after I got home from Sunday service. I barely had time to change into more comfortable clothing. From the first glance I could tell that Walter knew. I felt my face redden, part shame and part anger. I felt shame for not having told my sister and I felt angry because my "gayness" was so easily detected. I reached out to shake his hand and he pulled me toward him gently and gave me a hug. At that moment I knew that this afternoon would be revealing and cleansing. I still was unsure of how Sissy might react but I knew Walt would help ease any tension that my arise.

Dinner went well and it seems I didn't do too bad on the meal, cooking is not my forte! After dinner Sissy told me that she really needed to talk to me about some things. She had been going to therapy and a lot of things had come up that she hadn't remembered. Since I grew up with the family and she didn't she had a lot of questions for me. Sissy knew that I didn't talk to anyone but her in the family and she wanted to know what happened. I found it curious that she had never asked before but I also noticed she was much more relaxed and happier than I had ever seen her.

Sissy was struggling on where to start and I am not one to volunteer personal information so Walt was the one who got it started. Walt revealed that when he was a young boy he was molested by an Uncle of his. When he was 14 he finally told the police after he was arrested for running away. His mother didn't believe him at first and he was ostracized from the family. Walt said that was the best thing that ever happened to him. His mother came around when Walt was 17 and she revealed that her brother, the Uncle that had molested Walt, had raped her repeatedly as a young girl. Walt had been in therapy for three years by then and inspired his mother to seek help as well. Walt now works with children and has a degree in Child Psychology. I am really starting to like this guy - he is genuine, caring, understanding and my sister is definitely happier.

"Did Mark or Dan ever rape you?", Sissy blurts out. I asked Sissy if she remembered why she was taken away and she said she didn't know but thought that Mark had raped her. She wasn't sure if this was real or just nightmares. I told Sissy what Mom had said to me after she was taken away and I confirmed that yes she had been raped by Mark and that is why she was taken away. "Why weren't you taken away?" Funny question, I think, and I've often asked it to myself. "I don't know really, I just know that when it started happening with me that I couldn't tell anyone."

Sissy apologized and I told her it wasn't her fault, she at least told someone, I just stayed and took it. She didn't understand why so I explained to her that I was told that she was dead because of what she did and I didn't want that to happen to me. That is why I didn't even try to find her, I thought she was dead. "Why didn't you tell me any of this before", she asks. I look at her increduously and try to explain that up until now I didn't think she would believe me and I was afraid she would disown me - and then who would I have.

After reminiscing our past, if you can call it reminiscing, I decide that it is time for me to reveal myself to Sissy and Walt. Of course, I know he knows but this will be the first time I have spoken it out loud to anyone outside of the "community". I guess this was my coming out moment. "Sissy, have you ever wondered why I am not married?" "I guess because I thought you were a lesbian"! Now that caught me off guard. "You knew, and you didn't say anything? Why?" "I guess I figured you would tell me when you were more comfortable with me." I just start laughing at this, not believing how off base I was about my sister and thinking of all the wasted strain on my brain out of fear of rejection.

It was late in the evening when they got up to leave and Sissy had wished me a good night, suddenly I remember! "Oh Sissy, I forgot to tell you, Mark was released from prison, I read it on the net!" I had told them both that Mark had threatened to kill me the last time he was sent to prison - you see that was my fault too. Mark had tracked me down after his last stint in prison and broke into my house. I wasn't home at the time but he trashed my house and left a letter for me on my desk. He was stupid enough to sign it and when I got home I reported it. So he went back to prison on a parole violation as well as breaking and entering. My sister asked if I wanted to come stay with them for awhile but I declined. My heart wanted to go but my head wouldn't let me. After they left I felt relieved and lighthearted but there was also a fear in me - I was chilled to the bone! Mark wanted to make good on his promise.

go to my study and get on the computer. It was not as cold today and the night sky is cloudy. I can see the moon exposing itself between the clouds every now and then. I have a lot of work I need to do for a case that is coming up but I can't concentrate so I go to my hometown's newspaper website. I didn't have time to read much this morning so I don't even know when he was released and why he was released early. I was supposed to be notified and am wondering why I wasn't. It is time to get to the bottom of this and start taking control of my life. I can't fear and hide from Mark forever. For 10 years or more he molested me, I wasn't going to let my past control me any longer.

Mark was released last Monday. That is plenty of time to have tracked me down and be anywhere in the vicinity. I get up from my desk and walk into my bedroom. I reach into the night stand for my trusty colt 45, it's gone! The case of shells is also gone, I go into panic mode! I need to call the police, I really don't want this to hit the headlines! I don't need all the questions and I don't even want to think about the answers. I decide to call Kate instead, she has several handguns and I can always count on her. I just don't want her to ask to spend the night. I don't want to put her in any danger nor do I want her to get any confusing messages. We dated a few months back but I explained that I wasn't ready for anything serious, she on the other hand had plans to rent a U-haul. I definitely had to put the brakes on this one.

I pick up the phone to call her and there is no dial tone. I am really freaking out now. Where is my cell phone? I haven't seen it all day. I go downstairs to the kitchen and go to flick on the light, I stop, I see a shadow cross in front of my patio door that leads to my back yard. My heart is pounding, I stop where I am at, I don't want to make any movement. I am glad that the lights are out down here and my backyard light is on. It is like my guardian angel stopped me from turning on the light, I feel protected, safe for the moment, then my cell phone rings!

LEFT

The wind is starting to kick up outside, it is a cold November night. Unusually cold for the late fall. The leaves have all fallen off the trees, the snow hasn't melted off the ground from the storm that came in three days ago. The temperature hasn't gotten above 17 degrees fahrenheit since Thanksgiving. I desperately need sleep but something is troubling my mind. I look over at the clock on the nightstand and try to read the time but my eyes can't seem to focus. I am cold and I need to go to the bathroom but I know I probably won't get back to sleep if I get up now. It seems like I have been laying in bed for hours trying to talk my mind into sleep by my body isn't cooperating.

The alarm goes off and I can't believe it is already six a.m. I think about sleeping in today, it is Sunday but I have a handful of children who will wonder why I am not in church. I don't want to make an excuse so I drag myself out of bed and go to the bathroom. After I shower and put on my robe I go to the kitchen and make a pot of coffee. My body is sore and I am moving very slowly. A thought flashes through my mind, where did that come from? Did I have a nightmare last night? I don't remember falling asleep at all. I feel sick to my stomach and I don't want to think about these bad thoughts. I sit down with my first cup of coffee and pray. A tear drops from my eye and slowly trickles down my face. I ask God why, why me, why any child?

The wind has stopped, there are no birds outside this late in the fall, I am in total silence but I feel my heart beating, my chest heaves and I begin to cry out to God. I feel separated from the rest of the world, not in a physical sense but in a spiritual sense. I feel like a traitor or a liar as I hide behind a facade of the thirtysomething woman who has never married because she just hasn't found the right one yet. I know there is talk about my "preference" but no one ever asks me directly about it. Very few in the church even acknowledge my presence. The childrens' parents ask how I am and we have small talk about what we did in Sunday school class but other than that, well let's just say the flock doesn't flock to me.

My mind can't seem to get out of the past this morning. I am remembering the first time I awoke with my older brother lying on top of me. I felt sick and it hurt, I knew he shouldn't be there but I didn't know what to do. I was three or four and wasn't strong enough to push him off me. I was also frightened, I had seen my brother do this to my sister and my sister was taken away from the family. When Sissy left I remember my mom crying and later that night she came to my room and told me that I shouldn't talk to anyone about things that happen at home. I nodded my head to acknowledge that I understood. Even at that young age I knew that what happened to my sister was a bad thing. I thought she was taken away because she was bad - I didn't see her for more than thirty years after that.

My sister is coming to my house for Sunday dinner today. She is bringing her new husband with her. I haven't met him yet but we have spoken on the phone and he seems genuine enough. I am nervous about meeting him, wondering if he will know that I am a lesbian. I haven't told my sister and she hasn't asked. Sissy, I still call her that, was raised in a very sheltered home and is naive to the ways of the world. She is on her fourth marriage now and each one has ended because her husband left her for another woman.

My cup of coffee is cold, I have only taken a couple of sips but I don't want anymore. I contemplate telling my sister but I am afraid that she will leave me for good. She is the only family member that I have left. Everyone else has cut their ties with me because of my lifestyle. I smile at this. I have two brothers in prison, another brother is dead and the youngest brother, one of the two that molested me, is a lawyer, just like me. I am ashamed to be in the same field but fortunately I live in an entire different state so I don't have to associate with him - ever. My oldest sister is married to a very wealthy, lying, cheating jerk! She acts as if she has the perfect life and disowned the whole family as soon as she left home. I was six at the time and the only girl left with four brothers to do whatever they wanted to me. Fortunately it was only the two younger ones who decided that I was created just so they could experiment on me.

I look at the clock and it isn't even seven yet! I have made all the preparations that I can for dinner, I cleaned the house thoroughly all day yesterday and the paper hasn't been delivered yet so I decide to get on the internet for my morning news fix. The news has become like a soap opera for me. I watch it, read it, listen to it every day but if I missed it for an entire month I would still know what is going on.

The headline jumps out at me as if it is actually screaming my name. Now I know where my feeling of dread and sleepless night has come from, "Mark Green, Released from Prison". Mark is six years older than I am. He was doing time because of me according to my family. When I was 13 I got pregnant and in my fifth month the school nurse called me into the office under the disguise of routine health checkup. By this time I couldn't hide the fact I was pregnant and I didn't want anyone to know my dirty little secret so I lied and said I had been raped by a stranger. Needless to say she didn't buy it and they had social services come by the house on a surprise visit. Did they get a surprise! My mother had my brothers tie me to the bed and put a gag in my mouth. She got a wire hanger from my closet and as the social service worker walked into the room - totally unnoticed by all - my oldest brother was thrusting the hanger deep inside my cunt.

My mother served two years for child neglect and child endangerment. My brother Dan was put in a juvenile facility until he was 18 and then was released and his record expunged. My brother Mark had to do five years and then he was released as well. My family blames me because they say his incarceration ruined any future he might have had and now the only way he can survive is by turning to crime. Of course Dan is always defending Mark because he doesn't have a choice if he doesn't want to be exposed for the rapist he really is - so that is why I have moved far away. I guess this feeling of isolation goes back to my childhood. It began as an emotional and physical isolation and now I feel a spiritual isolation from the church - the one place that I should be feeling acceptance, love, understanding and hope.

I look at the clock and another hour has flown by. I get up from the computer and head to the bathroom to wash my face. My eyes are red and blurry - quite obvious that I have been crying. Sunday school starts in less than an hour and I still have to do my hair and make-up and of course put on my Sunday dress. The only reason I even own dresses is to go to church in. After the abortion I was put in a foster home and that is how I came to be a Christian. God does work in mysterious ways.