FIVE YEARS - PART 5

I couldn't sleep - my mind wouldn't slow down
I tossed and turned
In anguish
Failing miserably on reaching out to her

I had too much to lose
Now I am really confused
I thought I could trust her
Just wanted to wait

Now I wasn't sure anymore
Even if I told her just a little bit she might put things together
The events following my rape made news
my rape didn't

I was left out in the cold
No clothes, no shoes
Lost, confused
but determined

determined to make it right
they wouldn't do this to some other woman
I wouldn't give them a chance
I want them to feel what I felt

Three days and nights went by
I had come across a few cabins and houses
watching for an opportunity
needing food and clothes

Broke into two cabins that were vacant
Neither had any clothes
But they kept me out of the cold
Time to rest, think, plot, plan

On the 4th morning I seize my opportunity
I see a woman leave this house
I had been watching for two days already
She is about my height and weight

I wait for 10 minutes
Then I sneak along the back fence
Jump over
Break the patio door

Reach in and unlock it
Slide open the door
i stepped on some glass
Luckily it didn't cut me

i find the master bedroom
go in the closet
grabbed a pair of jeans
put them on - perfect fit

Grabbed a shirt
put it on
grabbed another pair of pants
two shirts

Went to the dresser
Started opening drawers
Find some socks
Grabbed several pair

Went back to the closet
looking for a pair of shoes
found a pair - a little big
they would work

On my way out i looked under the kitchen sink
there it was
a garbage bag
i stuffed the extra clothes in there

i took off running
i wanted to get as far away as possible
never before had i commited a crime
but i knew that this was just the beginning

i felt scared
and energized
my heart was pumping
my mind racing

i stayed off the roads all day
at dusk i hit the highway i had been following
hitched a ride
headed west - fast

FIVE YEARS - PART 4

After the children are in bed we make our way to the front room
It was starting to get chilly so I started a fire in the fireplace
Quite cozy really, maybe too cozy
Where was I to begin?

She asks me when they were born - saving me from my dilemma
I tell her - I can sense the anger rising in her
So were you pregnant when you left she asked?
No and I didn't leave!

What you had a one night stand and decided to not come back
Her tone very accusing, her face is flush
I feel trapped - who is she to me now?
I don't feel like I owe her that!

I did at first, and today when I saw her I thought it would go differently
I thought she knew me better than that
The attitude is beyond anything I will tolerate this late in the game
I clam up

She says, I never thought you would sleep with a man
You always told me that you wouldn't
I knew you wanted kids, we talked about it
Why this way

It is what it is - I was raped
Are you happy now?
I planned on telling you but you jump into this tirade
I really don't know that you deserve anything more

I was going to give you a few details
trying to not cause you too much pain
but I see you are only thinking of you
I am sorry that I didn't come back - I couldn't

Tears are in her eyes,
She apologizes
We seem to be lost on what to say next
Could I get you a drink?

Yeah, gin and tonic if you have it
Funny, that used to be my drink
I make her drink and hand it to her
I make myself a white russian

I realize I dropped a bomb on you
I'm sorry
But tonight isn't the night to give you anything more
Let's just wait and see

I ask her if she is dating anyone? involved?
She says no - you?
Not since you I said
I have no desire to be intimate with anyone

I have my children
They are my life
The business keeps me comfortable
God has blessed me, what more can I ask

She says she better be going
She has an early morning
I walk her to the door
I watch her walk away into the night!

FIVE YEARS - PART 3

What we had fought about that night I don't even remember.
I remember at the time though that when I left we were both crying.
We didn't fight often but when we did it was a doozy!
Making up was even better.

I was on my way home when the truck cut out on me.
Wouldn't you know I left my cell at home in my anguish.
Now what?
I started walking along the highway to get help.

A police cruiser pulls up
I wasn't far from the truck.
He asked if that was my vehicle back there
Yes, it cut out on me

He offered to give me a ride to the nearest convenient store
I took him up on it
I never did arrive at the store
He took a detour

As soon as I got in the cruiser it started
He had said I had to get in the back
Department Policy
I knew better really - what an idiot

He starts off joking about how am I going to repay him
I'm not laughing
So then he tells me what I am going to do
I said - "don't think so - you got the wrong woman"

Then he started calling me names,
Dyke, bitch. lezbo
He turns off the highway
A very deserted area was straight ahead

After about 5 miles from the main road he pulls over
Steps out of the cruiser and pulls out his gun
Gets into the trunk
rope, duct tape, not looking good

Next thing I know I am coming to
I remember being hit with something
Now I am muzzled and my hands tied behind my back
He is over on the radio

Walks over to me,
called in some back up he jokes
Then the real nightmare begins
I have never felt so dirty in my life

All I can think about is Beth,
How can I face her
What would I say
I wanted to die

10 minutes later another cop shows up
back-up
They took turns
two more showed up

The sun is coming up
I am cold, alone, lost
Bloodied, ashamed, confused
And pissed as hell

I will get my revenge
Even if I have to leave my old life behind
There was no way I could go back to you
Later I found out I was pregnant.

Five Years - Continued

I hear the doorbell, my heart is pounding,
She came after all - I wasn't sure she would
Five years is a long time and a lot has changed
She probably wants answers more than anything

I'm not sure this was such a good idea,
Hopefully she won't ask too many questions
Not in front of the children - my children!
I open up the door

Her blue eyes are so intense, serious, questioning
She has a look of anger and resentment
I invite her in and ask if she is okay?
She nods her head and asks where the children are

They are washing up for dinner
It should be ready in 5 minutes or so
"Could I get you something to drink?"
Ice Tea

Long Island?
No, she says, drank two beers just to get my courage up
I nod in understanding
I get her tea with just a little ice, sweetened

The children come down stairs
They stop when they see her, acting shy
Then they smile and tell me they washed up
She gets up from the couch

We look into each other's eyes
I know she can see my wounds,
Wounds she caused
Wounds she only can guess

But she somehow sees them all
I can sense it - she has a look of?
Pity? Shame? Understanding?
Knowledge and acceptance maybe!

I wanted to talk a little before dinner
but she showed up right on time
My nerves are tight, my stomach tight
I look away - the gaze too intense for me right now

We walk into the dining room, table set
Food already on the table
The cook is in the kitchen
Last bit of clean-up before she leaves for the evening

It is just the four of us
Usually Sheila & Tammy eat with us
They are going into the city for the weekend
Needed some time for themselves

I have never spoken of Beth to anyone
No one knows we were lovers once
All they know is she works at the "ranch"
Now Beth is about to find out I own the place

I wonder if she will stay on after tonight
She might feel awkward
Will I want her to stay - I have heard things
She is quite popular - always has been

Together we got a lot of looks
Made a lot of people happy when it didn't work out
We never actually broke up
I just didn't come home one night

Then the night turned into a week
a month, a year, I guess eventually she got on w/life
I never tried to contact her
What would I say - Why try to contact her

It was over the night I didn't come back
My life was over that night
But then I found out I was pregnant
If not for that I would have been dead already

We all held hands thanking God for the meal before us
I fill Jonathan's plate first and then Katherine's
Beth pours them each a glass of milk
They smile at her and say Thank you

I am lost for what to say
I hear the children talking but none of it is registering
My mind is back to that night so long ago
That first night!

TBC

FIVE YEARS

I swing open the door and I see her
she is reading a story to my children
they are so engrossed in the story they don't look up
I go to the counter and ask for a cold water

I have been out horseback riding
and have worked up quite a sweat
She has me intrigued, mesmerized
I know her, I know her well

My children are as enchanted by her as I
I want her to see me
but I don't want to interrupt her
I take a quick glance in the mirror behind the counter

My hair is tousled, she liked it like that - back when
She is even more beautiful then I remembered
I didn't think beauty came any more beautiful
Evening is approaching - the children need to eat

I turn back around and she is closing the book
The children are looking at her face - smiling
I walk - anxiously, nervously, excitedly - toward her
Will she recognize me? What do I say?

As I approach the sofa the children see me
they sqeal in delight - mommy, mommy
that makes me smile - she sees me too
She has a "it can't be you" look - I feel ashamed

I only now realize how uncomfortable this moment will be
She doesn't know how much I love her
She doesn't know what has happened since we last spoke
I only hear silence!

Don't panic! I bend down and pick my babies up!
I thank her for reading them a story
They both look at her and giggle
I invite her to have dinner with us - say 7 o'clock?

TBC